In life, we all face a critical moment, where we lose hope and desire to move on. In fact, that very moment determines our fate. 

By Shajiya Khanom

The journey of being a mother is never easy. It is normal to be paranoid when it comes to your baby. Especially when you are a new mom. I will confess, when I became a mother, I felt like I was in my own world. No matter what difficulties I had gone through in life, nothing could have prepared me for the journey that is motherhood. It was more challenging for me because I had to do it alone. 

My husband went to Australia to do his PhD just after our son was born. Because of the time zone difference, we could hardly talk. At that time, dealing with sleep deprivation and postpartum mood problems ended up being a tough fight for me. I realized that motherhood is a bit different from what we usually have in our minds. I had to find a way to be mentally stable so I started writing letters to my husband in the middle of the night after waiting for my son to fall asleep. The interesting thing is that I never sent those letters to him for some authentic reason.

Dear readers, I did not know what to expect from myself and from others around me after giving birth. That’s when I ended up writing letters to my husband who was living far away from us. I would like to share a few of them. Because most of them are repetitive with frustration, conflicts, and confusion. Dear readers, trust me, hanging in there was the only option I had during those terrific days.

 

The Midnight letters -01 (মধ্যরাত এর চিঠি ১)

10/01/17       

Dear Orhan’s Dad,

Orhan is sleeping. I was thinking of writing to you for so long. Writing to you about how I am doing these days. But I just don’t feel like telling you the same old stories of stresses and tough moments I am dealing with now-a-days. Moreover, Orhan could get up anytime as he has never had a sound sleep since he was born. Even today, my baby has woken up crying from time to time in the middle of his sleep. 

Tonight, after a long week and not a lot of sleep, I woke up with a miserable feeling in my bottom rib. I could tell, that the reason was because of this dopey position I had fallen asleep in while taking care of my baby on the tiny bed we were in. So, I decided to sleep in my mother’s bedroom. This bed is large enough for Orhan and I. 

It is 1:50am right now…I couldn’t sleep despite moving to a larger bed. Lots of words are whirling around in my head. All of the advices I have received, do’s and don’ts that my well wishers have given me as I am a new mother.

The other day, my elder sister said, “Mimi, enjoy every moment right now… you will see how fast Orhan will grow and he will do such cute little things that will be mesmerizing to watch.” 

I said, “Alhamdulillah I will wait and have patience.”

My friends who are single say, “your one and only work is taking care of Orhan right now…concentrate on that, do not think of anything else dear.”

I say, “Alhamdulillah, you guys are absolutely right.”

But dear Orhan’s Dad, can you tell me why I am feeling so restless and stressed out these days? I am just waiting for the day when Orhan’s schedule will be a little more predictable. When he cries out so loudly and continuously, I suddenly feel like I don’t know how to soothe him. I feel terrible for being an unqualified mother! I can’t express my feelings, my struggles to anyone, because everyone has their own perspective of seeing a new mom in this situation. But as the father of our son, you might get me right and see what I am going through. 

I know you are also there dealing with stress and responsibilities. You are also under pressure to finish your PhD. I understand that. Yet, I can’t think of anything else other than having a calm conversation with you. I expect that you could appreciate what I am doing, only then could I feel well. Now I know, that is why everyone needs a life partner. I just think no matter how much we disappoint each other, it will be best for the three of us to live together. Hopefully then, I would get rid of all that despair and restlessness in my life. Though people say, every stage of a growing child comes with new challenges. 

Dear, you know what, I don’t feel good at all for myself. There are uncountable women in this world that are managing careers and children simultaneously and so smoothly. Here I am, i can’t even take care of my precious son properly.

I’m feeling sleepy now… and I think my dear Orhan might wake up crying soon…!

I really need to sleep…I wish I would’ve known about all these post pregnancy emotions and I wish I wasn’t so deeply affected emotionally by everything and everyone.

bye for now ……………..

Orhan’s mom

 

Dear readers, I know all these feeling are normal. That is why, during those post pregnancy weeks, I was tried to not be too hard on myself. I had doubt, I had fear, I had confusion, I had sadness, I had jitters, I was hypersensitive, but the joy my baby brought into my life is priceless. So I really did hang in there. Now I know, motherhood is not only an instinct, it’s also a learning process as a woman , as a human being too.

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